Step 1: Lock your content team in the server room until they dream in keywords. My daughter said “Happy Birthday Mom” instead of “Best wishes parent near me.” She no longer lives here.
Step 2: Feed your writers only foods that contain their target keywords. My son refused to eat alphabet soup arranged to spell “digital marketing solutions.” He’s been disowned.
Step 3: Replace all mirrors in the office with Google Analytics dashboards. My husband said it was “psychologically damaging.” Now he’s just another bounce rate statistic.
Step 4: Make your team do daily affirmations in structured data format. My sister couldn’t format her self-worth in JSON-LD. She’s been redirected to a 404 page.
Step 5: Perform weekly site audits through interpretive dance. My mother said she was “too old” to represent crawl depth through contemporary ballet. Guess who’s not in my sitemap anymore?
Remember: Family is temporary. SERP rankings are forever.